Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Advice for the shortbus!

And since I believe in fair play, here is some advice for the shorter girls in derby, straight from Poisonberry Shortcake of the Richland Couty Regulators!

Good things come in small packages!

1. Get low. Now get lower. Now taunt that bitch as she tries to figure out how to get low enough to hit you.

2. Find the biggest, scariest player on the track and hit her right off the rip. when you're little, it's best to go ahead and establish that you are not scared, and are, in fact, bat shit crazy, right off the rip.

3. Giggle maniacally and wave when you put a girl on the ground.

4. EAT and build muscle. You need a little weight to you so you won't get tossed around so easily. 5 years ago I would have given my big toe to weigh 100 lbs, now i start to panic if I drop below 125.

5. BE LOUD! Nobody cares how tall you are (or aren't) when you have the biggest voice on the track.

6. Master the can opener. You know how tall people like to hover over you in real life? They like to do it on the track too. Tease one into getting right up on your back and then stand completely up.

7. Learn how to deal with the extra material from your tights, and double check your boutfit. Nobody likes speen bumps literally on their ass.

8. Find a glamazon BFF (Shiv Tyler!). They are multi purpose and every shortbus should have one, if not two (Pinky Slamstockings!). Not only can they help you learn to hit their tall asses without low blocking, you can hide behind/next to them AND they can look back and tell you everything that's going on with the pack.

8. Learn to look down and back. Chances are you can't really see over that first line of blockers behind you. Learn to look for skates/socks/kneepads... anything that will give you more info about what's behind you. Double Bonus! Most players won't realize your'e sizing them up for a block until it's too late. They'll just think you're admiring your new laces.

9. Go ahead and get used to getting hit in the face and head. When your head is about the same height as everyone else's elbows it's bound to happen. And if you hit someone and throw them off balance so much that they have to throw an arm out and smack you in the face, REJOICE! Try to think of it as a high five for how great your hit was! (albeit a high five to the face). You're probably also going to take a few asses to the face when you're low. Just try to enjoy it. Some people pay good money for that kind of action.

10. Learn to get wide. This ties in nicely with getting low. No matter how short your little midget legs are, you can take up a nice chunk of the track. Trust me, with a 28" inseam I know what I'm talking about.

11. DO NOT let anyone typecast you as a jammer, or tell you that you're too small to powerblock. I've known PLENTY of bad ass shortbus power-blockers (Leatherneck!) and I've been known to do it myself now and then. Size is not nearly as important in derby as physics.

12. Can't believe I'm about to give away my favorite trick, but here goes.... get on that inside line and get low. When the jammer approaches, drift out just enough to make her think she's can take the inside on you.... Trust me, most jammers will underestimate you because of your size. When she tries it, step right in front of her and swing her out with your ass. She probably won't try this again.

13. DO NOT let people pick you up at after parties. I don't know why taller people feel it is appropriate to just pick us up, maybe too many dreams of midget tossing, but don't stand for it. It's a fantastic way to get hurt, and it's demeaning.

14. Get yourself a rep for being fearless. (Magickly D'Vicious!)

15. Most important - EMBRACE YOUR SIZE! You've finally found a sport where being short can give you a significant advantage if you know how to use it!


  1. Out of curiosity, how tall are you and what position do you play? At this month's Rat City bout, a new skater called "Knee High Nightmare" was listed at 4'8". She got lead jammer 4 out of 7 jams. It was really impressive watching her weave through the crowd.

  2. Poison is four ten and plays pivot. I'm six feet tall and jam and pivot.

  3. This is sososososo very awesome! I'm a whopping 5 feet tall, so all of the hints and pointers I can get are helpful!

  4. Great post! Im quite short (5feet) and I've always thought it would make it so much harder for me, but now, when I've read this post I feel so optimistic!
    And you're right! If youre short you can get super-low. Short = not as much gravitation, haha! I love to lead practises and tell all the girls to get down low, ;)

    But seriously, so awesome you wrote this! (found it at swede hurt's blog)

    /Jeanette Gustafsson
    Meanie Mischievous
    Västerås Roller Derby