Sunday, March 15, 2015

what your helmet choices say about you (not serious)

Most of the time when I write about helmets, I drag out my soap box, get my megaphone charged, and shout about head injuries until I'm hoarse. But today, I'm going to psychoanalyze you by what helmet you wear; after being in derby for seven years, I can tell you that the color and type of helmet you choose for yourself tells me all about you.

Ok, not really, but it's fun. Two things, this is done for fun, and if your team skates with a certain color of helmet, that doesn't count. It has to be the helmet you're drawn to without team alliances impacting you.

So here we go.

White helmets: You probably see yourself as the good guy, and you want other people to see you that way too. White helmets, you need to not worry about what other people think of you so much. By the way, you should call your parents. They're worried about you playing derby, and they'd love to hear from you.

Purple Helmets: Perverts. Nothing more needs to be said.

Blue Helmets: You like to dance to the beat of your own drummer, and sometimes brush your teeth in the shower. If you are a ref who wears a blue helmet by choice, you're probably in your first or second year of reffing; you've got long way to go, baby.

Pink Helmets:  My bet is you're a Lisa Frank fan and probably laugh at fart jokes. You wear pink because you're making a stand that pink can be tough too, even though everyone else hate your stand and your pink helmet. Your coach makes you be the pivot just so she can cover up your helmet. Go stand next to the purple helmets.

Green Helmets: All people who choose to wear green helmets are insane. The brighter the green, the more cuckoo you absolutely are. If you are drawn to dark green helmets, you're just a little you maybe have too many cats, and if you're wearing a neon green helmet, you probably want to be a cat. You also probably like to jam. (crazypants)
Look at those control freaks and the crazy helmet.

Red Helmets: You are a secret poet who writes long and moody odes to your derby blisters. You'd rather read a book in bed than scroll through Facebook. All people who wear red helmets are closeted control freaks. Don't hide in the closet anymore, we all know your dirty little secret,  bossy pants.

Brown Helmets: You are the anti Elvis and the anti-unicorn. Your favorite food is tacos and for fun, you play naked croquet at midnight with your neighbors. You probably love blocking one on one and your favorite sound in the world is a crunchy plow stop.

Yellow Helmets: Oh my, you are a special little snowflake, aren't you? You love the spotlight, and are known to break out into the song "Everything is Awesome" while waiting for a jam to start. You worry a lot about dental health and really wonder if you shouldn't floss more. You love to flash your winning smile when you're lead jammer.

Multicolor or patterned Helmets: We didn't want to tell you this, but everyone is sick of your knock knock jokes in the locker room. Also, your impression of Tom Hanks from A League of Their Own, is tired, so so tired. Multicolor helmet wearers are capable of playing every position on the track, but they are drawn to the outside for some reason. Also, they tend to be hoarders of derby gear. Throw out those four year old mouth guards, and maybe you'll have more room in your gear bag.

Black helmets: Black is the basic girl helmet color. You like pumpkin latte spiced coffee, yoga pants, and selfies. It's ok, go back to your Pinterest account and skip the rest of this article; you'll feel better. I'm sure there is a Buzzfeed quiz for you to take out there.

Hey, this was done in good fun, and I hope I made some of you chuckle. I've worn several different helmets in derby, and now am sporting a black hockey helmet. I don't care what color it is that you decide to wear, as long as it is a protective one. Remember, you need to have a functioning brain to be able to appreciate silly humor.


  1. Does Gold fall under yellow too? :) This was entertaining. Thank you!
    E 3PO

  2. People with gray helmets often feel left out. It probably has something to do with having to sit in the penalty box or having been fouled out of the game.

    1. Ha! That's better than the comment I wrote. I said they were a subset of black, but not nearly as basic....although they've been lusting after that anchor infinity tattoo.....

  3. If my team didn't prefer black helmets, I'd have chosen line green for sure. This was hilarious by the way.

  4. Sparkle helmets say what?