Sunday, March 29, 2015

Merit Badges of Derby Doom!

I was driving through the neighborhood the other day and saw a gaggle (flock? swarm? huddle?) of Girl Scouts doing some community service project and it got me thinking about derby. I mean, what doesn't get me thinking about derby at this point in my life? Anyway, I started thinking about all of the merit badges the Scout organizations have for people to earn and then I started thinking about the anti-merit badges people seem hell bent on earning in derby. Remember, you do NOT want to earn these merit badges!

1. Eye rolling merit badge- Congratulations! You have earned the eye rolling merit badge! Your eye rolls are amazing, especially when the coaches try to introduce a new skill or strategy. Your eye rolling is magnificent when you instantly reject feedback, so you have rightfully earned this badge for your sash! Wear it proudly, and try not to get dizzy.

2. Consistently the last person to get geared up merit badge- My oh my, you are dedicated dawdler if you earned this badge! Your determination to be the last skater on the floor has not gone unnoticed by your captains and coaches.  They can tell you are really in for the long haul on this one! Just sit there and admire this merit badge while the rest of your team is warming up.

3. I'm not trying that hard merit badge- You definitely have the right attitude for this badge! Don't try your hardest at practice; you might not do as well as you think you can, and you must save face no matter what.  Effort is for suckers, right?

4. I'm sitting out of endurance because, I can merit badge- Oh you, you're so amazing during scrimmage, but when somebody even mentions the word "endurance" you're sitting down and taking your gear off. Why bother with endurance, you skate ok, right?

5. It's all about me me me merit badge- Me me me me me! Let me sing the song of my people! MEEEEEEE! Did you see what I did there? Look at how awesome that block I made was! What do you mean my wall was good...did you see what I did?

6. The cameo merit badge- Hey, why go to practice when you're awesome? The rest of your team needs to the practice, not you! Who cares if they can get better with you being there; that's not your problem, right?

7. Refuse to change merit badge- This is how you've always played derby, and anyone who gives you feedback be damned! You've been playing derby for x amount of years, and how dare someone tell you how to play this sport you've been owning! Learning new strategies is for chumps.

8. Creating drama merit badge- This badge signifies your artistry in creating drama where there originally was none! Creation is the highest achievement in human existence, and drama is one of the noble pursuits. Derby isn't fun without drama, so we're lucky to have you!

Yes, I could have gone on forever, but the point is not to want to earn one of these merit badges of doom. Derby can be tough enough without being that kind of teammate.

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