Monday, January 26, 2015

I'm Grumpy and These are the Things I Hate in Derby

I'm tired and sore from yesterday's practice, the weather is crappy, and there's nothing good on television, so I'm Grumpy Cat in this post. Read at your own peril! Actually, I'm not that grumpy, but I feel like complaining, so here it is.


1. Velcro. Seriously, why can't we come up with a better way to keep our gear on? I know, it's cheap, and it's easy (like your mom), but for all that is holy, can we please find a better way? How many times have you seen people messing around with their velcro during a jam? How many velcro scratches have you gotten during a game? Isn't it awesome to discover them in the shower? NOPE! Yes, Velcro is a space age material; well, it's time for a new invention, folks.

2. Foam rollers. THIS IS WHERE EVIL LIVES! Seriously, screw those things. According to every top athlete and trainer, they're the way to go, but I know very few people who consistently use their foam rollers. You know why? They HURT. Sometimes I'm sore and need to use my foam roller, but dammit, it hurts worse than the muscle soreness! Foam rolling literally feels like I'm abusing myself; I keep telling myself that I'm doing my body good, but I can tell you that my body does NOT believe what my brain is trying to sell it. Of course I've tried it after a shower, after a work out, and after a glass of red wine. Guess which one is the most successful?

3. Smells. Derby stinks.  Sniff your gear right now, I dare you. Even if you air it out, wash it on a regular basis and spray it down with whatever concoction you love, it still smells like death. Ever coach a practice and not skate? I have never smelled a funk worse than derby stank, and I have two very gassy dogs at home. VERY GASSY DOGS. I've taken a shower, sniffed my wrists and then immediately jumped back into the shower because I still smelled like derby. Also, toe stops smell so bad when you're doing toe stop drills. Gag. What do they make those bad boys out of, old diapers and napalm? Horrible. Because of derby, my work out clothes will never smell good again. Gee, thanks.

4. Losing toenails. I had nice feet before derby, and I was ready to develop callouses and hooves, but it really bummed me out when I started to lose a toe nail. I feel like a leper. Has anyone lost a toe nail and actually painted over where it "should be" with nail polish. Yep, I have. I did it at ECDX in 2012, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, because it was the only way I could wear flip flops with pride. Screw you derby for taking my toe nail. I'M TAKING IT BACK!

5. Derp faces. I don't think there is one pretty picture of me while playing the game of derby; to be fair, I was already kind of awkward and derpy before derby, but derby has just made it worse. I realize that because I play derby, I'm photographed more than normal people are, but it would be awesome to have at least one photo per bout where I'm not making a poop face. Just one! Also, I feel fat in every photo. Once again, I know this isn't rational, but it is something I think about when I'm clicking through all of the actions shots. I could be doing something amazing on the track, but the voice in my head is saying "ooh, lose weight." Come to think of it, that's not a derby problem that's a me problem. On to more derby problems.

6. No such thing as the perfect wheel. I WANT A WHEEL THAT WORKS EVERYWHERE!  I'm so tired of trying to figure out what wheels will work for what floor. Most of the time, I tend to skate in my normal set up, but some floors are beyond my average wheels. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was this amazing wheel that could do everything? Yes, I realize that's a day dream, but I am being unreasonable and grumpy and I WANT IT NOW! MAKE IT HAPPEN! I hate investing in a wheel, and finding out that I absolutely hate it; ain't nobody got time and money for that! Give me some unicorn, magical wheels! NOW!

7. Getting my boobs grabbed in a game. Whoo hoo, we skate backwards now, and whoo hoo, I get my boobs grabbed a lot. Unfortunately it happens on a pretty regular basis, and it's just awkward. When I do it to someone else, I feel like I have to apologize after a jam. Maybe I'm too polite, but the whole thing is just awkward. Butts, on the other hand, are absolutely fine to grab. Absolutely, I understand that what I just said is a double standard for body parts, but this is my list. Go write your own.

8. The guilt I feel when I don't clean my mouth guard. Gross. Normally, when I'm not playing derby, my dental hygiene is pretty damned amazing. I floss daily and brush at least three times a day, but sometimes I just grab that mouth guard right out of my bag, where it's been rattling around for forty-eight hours, and just wear it. What the hell is wrong with me? I know better than this! Guilty! I still do it once in a while though. I also chew gum with my mouth guard in. SO GROSS! 

Hmm, looking back on this list, I've discovered that derby has turned me into a stinky, derby, toe nailless, masochistic trench-mouthed pervert. And yet, I still love it more than any other sport I've ever played. Hooray!


  1. I feel you on the mouthguard front. Toenails too. I've lots a few and the ones I haven't lost are all purple underneath.