Thursday, January 3, 2013

If Derby was more like Hogwarts...

Yes. I'm letting my nerd flag fly high here, but I figure it's a safe place to do it in because derby is more than a little nerdy.

Of course, the jammer panty is definitely our sorting hat.  Jammer panties can really tell you a lot about a skater; some people reach for the panty, some hide from it, and some people will grudgingly take it from a coach if forced into it.  Is there any other thing about derby that looks as deeply into the core of who we are?  Not likely.  Fortunately or unfortunately for derby folk, the jammer panty is constantly interacting with us, judging us, or at least making us judge ourselves.

So who would be the teachers? After asking this question on Facebook,  a lot of people said that the teachers were definitely the coaches.  Do you have a Snape, Hagrid,  or a McGonagall as your coach? Is your coach a calculating task master?   Is your coach all bluster and then kindness?  Is your coach professional but truly invested?  Then you are lucky to have them.  Let's just hope that nobody has a coach like Gilderoy Lockhart, inept and completely without shame.
Dell, the Hagrid of the Regulators.

Shocking to nobody, most people said the referees were Dementors.  Poor zebras.  At least you know that when you send someone to the box for something egregious, the skaters feel like "They'll never be cheerful again."  Not really, but maybe?

So let's get down to the skaters and the four houses of Hogwarts.  This is purely my interpretation, feel free to throw your own in, but please don't go to war because I've insulted your Harry Potter sensibilities!  This is all in fun, so please go be a rabid fan boy on your own blog.

I think that Slytherin skaters are powerful, strong, and really devious skaters.  Are they evil?  Probably not, but they're the skaters who look to violate every loop hole in the new ruleset.  Hate passive offense?  Blame Slytherin skaters.  Hate backwards skating?  Guess who started that?  Slytherin skaters also tend to flirt with almost breaking the rules, but they never cross the boundaries.  Because Slytherins are tacticians, they know the letter of the rules better than anyone in their league.  If you want to know what a rule really says, go ask a Slytherin.  The question is, will they answer you?

The heart of any team is the Hufflepuff skater.  They work their asses off, never complain, put in extra hours on committees, come to every practice, and are most importantly, friendly.  Hufflepuff skaters are your natural recruiters to the league.  They will talk to potential derby skaters they see at open skate, or at games; they network well and keep lines of communication open between leagues and other skaters.  Without Hufflepuff skaters, you will not have a functioning league.  Also, Hufflepuff skaters help make other skaters look better by skating with them in a support role.  They aren't your superstars, but they are a part of the wall that held the other jammer, the person who created the bridge for the best blocker, and generally makes the entire team shine.  Don't poo poo a Hufflepuff skater.

The Ravenclaw skaters are smart, and quick.  They are a little aloof, and therefor make excellent jammers.  Ravenclaw skaters recognize strategy quickly and easily; they can also pinpoint the weaknesses and strengths of every skater they see, which makes them a good choice for assessors.  Unfortunately, they are a little too smart for their own good and sometimes, and can be impatient with other skaters who aren't as quick taking in strategy.  Give them the pivot panty, and they'll be happy as a clam, but make someone their pivot who isn't as smart and watch the sparks fly.

Ah, the brave and the bold, and the often not future planning Gryffindors.  Behold!  The natural born blocker!  This is your wrecking ball, your jammer killer, and your fearless "Sometimes jammer."  Gryffindors are strong and brave; they will take on the meanest enemy on the track without thinking twice about it, and then dance with them at the afterparty.  Oh yes, Gryffindors always win the afterparty!  Even though Gryffindors are excellent skaters, they tend to attract the the attention of the refs, and end up in the box a lot.  It's a good thing they have such a good attitude; I always know a skater is a Gryffindor if they end up in the box and smile the entire time they are there.

So, which house do you belong to?  Hopefully you're a mix of all four of the houses, because that would be the most realistic and healthy, but if you're just one house, then I hope for you that you're Slytherin, and for everyone else that you're a Hufflepuff.



  1. This is Awesome!

    I'm totally on Gryffindor 'cause I always win the after party!! lol.

  2. love this as a total potterhead and fresh meat! i think i'll be a hufflepuff skater :)