Monday, May 28, 2012

A funny apology letter to a derby ref

Ever roll your eyes at a ref?  Ever wave your arms in outrage when they miss a call on an opposing blocker or jammer?  I think most people have had that experience at one point or another.  This a humorous letter I composed to all the refs I've ever given a hard time.


Dear Mr. Zebra,

I am so sorry that I had a random hissy fit on the track last night; I was not myself and I might have made you uncomfortable with my display of annoyance.  For that, I truly apologize, but please hear out my side of the story.

If you don't remember the incident in question, let me review for you.  I hit Skater X out to the inside, and she totally cut me.  Since I was the foremost blocker, she should have been promptly sent to the box.  I know you are aware of this rule (because you called me twice for doing the same thing),  but since you saw it happen and didn't call her for a major, I was a little annoyed and started waving my arms gesturing at where the scene of the crime took place.  Yes, when I fell to my knees and started crying and wailing at the exact spot on the track, it was probably too much.  When I chalk-marked an outline of her feet over the line, that was definitely too much.  I think the last straw was when I offered to get you an eye exam; that was just rude, and I do apologize. (But I do know where you can get an excellent check up, so if you're interested, let me know.)

Now, you need to understand the background of the whole scene; I was suffering from PMS all day, and I think my blood sugar spiked and plummeted from all of the chocolate I was eating before the bout.  I had a new mouth guard in, and it was giving me a terrible headache because I didn't form it correctly; to be honest, it wasn't even my mouth guard, but a teammate's.  I also broke two laces on my skates, and I had to scrounge up a new pair before we started the game, and they didn't match!  Clearly, you can see that I was in a compromised emotional state during the game for very serious reasons.

I hate to take things to a personal level, but please understand that Skater X had been talking smack to me all evening.  She said that I was fat and my booty shorts looked ridiculous, which hurt my self esteem and self worth.  She made fun of my mismatched laces, and the fact that I had a glob of chocolate melted to the front of my jersey.  I also heard her say that you didn't look good in stripes, and I was just trying to defend your honor.  So you see, I felt I was justified in pointing out her egregious and flagrant track cut.

Once again, I do apologize for my behavior on the track.  I also apologize for suggesting that you were being paid by the other team to look the other way.  My coach has had a stern talking to me and I will be starting an anger management course next week.

Skater Z

PS. I heard that someone put a melted chocolate bar in your skate bag.  I apologize for that anonymous act as well, even though I obviously had nothing to do with that whatsoever.


  1. I reffed for half a season before I was a rostered skater. While I'm certainly guilty at grumbling at zebras sometimes myself, I'm constantly reminding my teammates that they're really trying their hardest. Great post today!