Monday, February 13, 2012

Unintended Consequences of Joining Roller Derby

Most people join derby to have an exciting experience, get exercise, learn a sport and meet people.  BUT, there a ton of unintended consequences of joining derby!

1.  When you leave practice, you drive like you play.  This may not seem that bad until you realize you're keeping someone in the next lane over from changing lanes just so you don't give up the inside line.  I'd love to see a study done on derby players' driving techniques after practice or a game.
Outta my way!

2.  Magically, your wardrobe switches to derby t-shirts and yoga pants.  Yoga pants have become more the norm in my house since my thighs and butt have gotten bigger due to derby; at first I loved having a butt at all, but my jeans are getting less and less wearable as I enter my fourth season!  Also, I now have a t-shirt with my name and number on it in every color of the rainbow.  Sometimes I wonder what I used to wear before derby came along.
Why orange?  I dunno, but I have one.

3. You tend to use your shopping cart aggressively. This is very similar to the driving issue.  When I go grocery shopping after practice, I tend to throw the shopping cart around a lot more aggressively than I do when I go on a non derby day!  I think it's worse when I go to Costco, because the floor is so smooth, and there's so much space, and I so want to put on my skates and fly through there!
So cool...I'm going to do this one day.

4.  You start collecting bandanas, socks and panties that you only wear on the outside of your leggings!  Please remember that the panties are ONLY for outside of the leggings!

5.  Your feet slowly turn into hooves.  Feet take a beating in derby.  At first you get blisters, and then you get blisters on top of blisters, and then you progress to callouses; once you hit the callous stage, you get to have your jammer callous on the ball of your right foot.  Cherish this callous!
Don't lie, you have hideous feet now.  Admit it!

6.  You develop a whole different section of friends of Facebook.  I don't know about you guys, but my derby oriented friends on FB have now seriously outnumbered my outside derby friends.  I actually have two Facebook accounts now because of derby.  You also get eight million new email accounts: one for your league, one for ECE, one for your real mail.

7.  You learn a new language.  Eat the baby?  Take a runt/goat?  Booty block? Stroller derby(sucks)? Too bad not every league has the same words for everything!
Put it on your resume, you are now bilingual.

8.  You drool over skates and gear instead of drooling over shoes.  I now spend my time making a dream list of gear I would buy if I won the lottery.  Of course, I'd have to play the lottery...yeah, I'll get right on that.

I refuse to draw a picture of someone playing the lottery.  Move along please.

9.  You triple the mileage on your car each year.  Since joining derby, I have seen more of this country than I ever thought possible.  Of course, I've seen most of it by driving through back roads really late at night hoping the GPS isn't going to lead me the wrong way!  Derby let's me travel to cool places, and I'm glad that sometimes I have a free and awesome place to stay while I'm there!

10.  Suddenly you start to buy more and stronger Febreze.  Everyone hopes they can spray away the nasty smell of pads, but it really is a losing enterprise.  Air them as much as you possibly can and wash them on a regular basis.
Did you know Febreze doesn't have a double e?  I didn't until I drew the bottles.

11.  You have a prepared speech ready when visiting the doctors/dentist office when you inevitably get the "are you safe at home?" questions and looks regarding the recurring fresh set of bruises.  Doctors and health workers are trained to look for signs of abuse, and unexpected bruises are a warning flag to them.  Be ready to explain how you got them!  Also, bring tickets to sell after you explain them!

12.  You learn way too much about people's digestive habits.  People belch and fart whenever they want, and you kind of just accept it after a while. 
Guess you had Mexican last night?

13.  Your phone contact list has the most bizarre names ever!  I'm not sure I know the "government" names of some of my fellow derby players.

Of course, I could keep going, but you get the drift.  If you have any to add, please comment below!

PS, forgive my drawings this week, I sustained a wrist injury at derby. 


  1. LOL... my husband came up with a great comment... "The state trooper is telling you to pull over. He is not telling you you're lead jammer! ^_^

  2. Lovely! And the drawings, too.

    I've been closely observing derby (and, of course, derby girls) nearly eight years and I think you've put it all exactly right. Spot on.

    A small warning - Costco won't let you skate there, not in Raleigh, anyway. Neither will Sam's or Harris Teeter (although the latter at least had the grace to query corporate council for me). I boycott those places best I can.

    I do grocery shop at non-footware-discrimination stores as Kroger, Food Lion and Lowes. They have better food, too. Obviously, I slow jam in the aisles.

    Stabby Abby

  3. Yea Stabby! I am going to go shopping today in my skates!

  4. I am TOTALLY like that on the way home from practice...and half the day at work the day of practices. I want to hip check my co-workers in to the wall for getting too close to me. Is that bad? LOL

  5. We call getting a goat a dick in a box at OCRG, and I totally drive like I play. Plus through derby, its now totally acceptable to wear fishnets, regardless of condition, pretty much everywhere.

  6. I did NOT know there's not a double "e" in Febreze. Wow.

    Also, I drive a scooter, so I'm already wearing a helmet while driving. In fact, I spend an insane amount of my time wearing a helmet. Maybe it's for the better.

  7. I am soooo glad I am not the only one....I though I was going crazy! I wondered if Walmart would catch me if I rolled in there in my skates! They won't catch me but they would have my picture! :D Great post!

  8. i def. drive how i skate, and being a hell hath no fury skater i have to take a few minutes after practice once i get in the car to settle down.
    and the digestive habits? well. yes. i know who to stay away from when they had taco bell for dinner lol