Friday, September 6, 2013

I Judge You By Your Derby Name

Yes yes, everyone knows about the debate about derby names; are they good for the sport?  Should we dump them?  Blah blah blahbety blah blah.  That debate isn't going anywhere, but I still have an opinion about derby names.  I instantly make a judgement about you from your name.  Oh don't give me that face. You chose that name to represent you, nobody forced you to take it, so I'm allowed to have an opinion about it, even if it isn't the correct one in your particular case.  These are all just generalities, so calm the eff down and have some fun with me.  I'm putting on my Judgey McJudgerson hat...three...two....one....go!

Girl name+ Tough thing= old Skool
This kind of name could also be referred to as the Marilyn Manson method of naming yourself.  His whole band took the names of famous models or actresses and the last name of serial killers to come up with their monikers.  Marilyn Monroe + Charles Manson, and you have a hell of a stage name.  A lot of original derby players used a similar method.  Suzy Hotrod, Bonnie Thunders, and Daisy Rage are just a few of these old skool naming conventions.  They are plain but tough names, and usually that means the skaters who have them have a ton of experience and damned good at skating.  Watch out for the Old Skool named skater!
Trudy Struction at her finest! Photo by Joshua R. Craig

Punny Names
Ah derby skaters, some of you are seriously clever people!  Great examples of punny names are Celia Fate, Trudy Struction, Shenita Stretcher, Cody Pendant and any name with "Anita" at the beginning of it.  If you have a punny name, it means you're good with words, probably funny, and you put thought into decisions.  I have a punny name too, but I was named by others, so it doesn't really apply.  I wish I was clever!  Some of you have such clever names, I have to sit and sound them out when I'm reading a program.  I feel like I'm reading vanity plates on a road trip.  Some I get right away, and some take me a while, and boy do I feel stupid when I figure them out!

Popular Culture Name Parodies
These are risky, because how popular are the people you parody going to be during your derby career?  Grim Carrey, Grace Killy, Pelvis Costello and Billie Brawliday are few of the successful ones, because the stars they're parodying have staying power. Derby skaters with parodied names are clever and very very aware of popular culture.  They also want a little bit of the shared glory, so they might wear outrageous boutfits or step up to jam a lot.

Literary Reference Names
Skaters with literary references are beyond clever, they're intelligent and bibliophiles. Tart of Darkness, Something Wicked, Goldie Bloxx,  H.P. Lovecrash, and Hanna Belle Lector are just to name a few.  Skaters with literary names make me feel smart when I can figure out just what they're referring to.  Yea!  I also approach skaters with literary names a bit cautiously....have they been reading The Art of War?
And why isn't that a derby name?

The Ridiculously Sublime Names
Skaters with the ridiculous names, names that shouldn't be names, but are AWESOME in their unnameness are like finding two fortunes in one fortune cookie, and they both are fantastically positive!  I rejoice in the ridiculously sublime names!  Some of my favorites, Shark Week, Robot Unicorn Attack, Whippety Pow, Bork Bork Bork and Lady Quebeaum are all just fantastic names.  You skaters have a shiny aura around you when you're on the track. Such imagination!  Such pizazz!  Such testicular fortitude!   I wish I could be that bold!

Alcohol Based Names
If you have an alcohol based name, I think you like to drink.  Am I wrong?  It also follows that if you have a marijuana reference in your name, you like marijuana.  That's obvious, yes?  Yes.  Moving on.

Offensive Names
You picked an offensive name, so am I too far off in saying that you want to offend people?  If your name has a racial slur, or a cleverly hidden C-word in it, you probably wanted to cause a stir, get in people's faces, and congratulations, you have.  I judge thee offensive!  I always think it's funny when someone has an obnoxious name, and they get offended when someone calls them out on it.  "How dare you judge me!"  Honey, I dare because you signed up for it with that name.  And no, I'm not going to call anyone out in particular, but go and check out Two Evils when you get bored at work and just count how many crude names there are.  It might make a good drinking game for the paragraph above.

Judgey McJudgerson signing off!






34 comments:

  1. Three words, "Harriet Beecher Ass."

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  2. Robot Unicorn Attack??? hahahah too cute. Funny piece;)

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    1. It's actually a game :-) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robot_Unicorn_Attack

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  3. A teammate of mine is named Merchant of Vengeance. Her number: 1597.

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  4. I desperately wanted to be Stone Cold Jane Austen, but it was taken.

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  5. Great post! I'm Fresh Meat and I struggled with my derby name. My sister finally named me Velma Rinkley, after the Scooby Doo character. I wrote about it on my blog, if anyone is interested :)

    http://becomingprime.blogspot.com/2013/09/whats-in-name.html

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  6. Mine is Jax Revenge based on the Fight Club quote "I am Jack's smirking revenge". I usually have to explain it, but I'm ok with that. I'm a huge Palahniuk fan.

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    1. I love this so much!! If you have any good Fight Club names stored away, I'm fresh meat, sooo...

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  7. I saw a great one at rollercon this year. A non-name name full of awesome. Skater was simply "yucky". Love it.

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  9. Estella Starrs, here. As in Estella from Great Expectations. The "beyond clever" part? I just wanted name from a good book that sounded good with Starrs. I can now be called The Redundant Ref, as I didn't know that Est(r)ella means stars.

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  10. one of my all time favs: Bob Lob Law!!

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  11. I think Derby names are stupid.

    The Commissioner

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    1. I feel that it is what is holding people back from taking us seriously. However, I also feel that the crazy names is part of what keeps Derby, Derby.
      I have an 'I don't know what to call myself' name....
      Jammin' Jane

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    2. Anyone who thinks derby names are the only thing that's keeping derby from "being taken seriously" hasn't put much thought as to why a sport is or is not "taken seriously". Whatever that even means.

      I still find it funny that a bunch of outcasts want to be taken seriously by the people who consider them outcasts to begin with. But whatever. I'm here to skate when I can and have fun doing it.

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  12. I always assumed that Bonnie Thunders had named herself after the punk rock legend Johnny Thunders. Never asked, though.

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  14. Whenever I meet some freshie whos looking for her moniker, I just smile and say "Cut it in half, say, it then yell it...& see how it sounds to you... 'cause that's how people will address you 90% of the time"

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    1. A skater friend rejected a name that started with "Contaminate" for just that reason. She thought people would call her Tammy. I said she'd be lucky if they did.

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    2. It took me a long time to settle on Dan Smackroyd due to the possibility of having "Roids" shouted at me repeatedly, but since everyone called me Dan anyway and my partner goes by the name Smax, there are enough alternatives without getting to the last syllable.

      Contaminate on the other hand...

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  15. After trying to figure out a tough name with most of them being taken or to similar I was asking myself who am I? What is it about me that makes me me. And then with what thought popped into my head and it clicked. What About Bob? Boom, there is was and it is derby related because it could be a comment as to What a bout Bob! Plus I'm all over the place and don't fit into on category so that is what the ? is means. And I know it's a title of a movie, but it just works for me

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  16. I remember when skating under one's government name first became more common. I would stare utterly blankly at a roster, trying to find the goddamn PUN.

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  19. My derby name stemmed from many streams...I hold a grudge to the point of pointlessness, I'm feminine-masculine, and I love the old school London East End gangster names of the 50's and 60's....
    Barrie DeHatchet was born.

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  20. I was Geek number 1337. Everyone around me liked it. I was not so sure and I was not allowed to change my name.

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  21. I wanted Boba Fast, but it was taken. Then I wanted Boba Threat, but that was taken, too. Any Star Wars reference that was clever enough, taken. So I went with KTNT. No Star Wars reference, just my name and some dynamite. I dislike two evils because every cool/awesome/clever name is taken. Months later I find out there's even a KTNT way out in Canada on the West coast, and she wasn't even on the two evils page for me to check. I told her, "I'm sorry but I'm keeping my name. It's highly unlikely my team will ever play yours and if I ever had to, I'd just cover my name and skate as KT."

    I do also judge skaters by their name, until we're playing against each other. Then I'm judging them by their skill, strategy and confidence level :)

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  22. Effectively teaching elementary math to children aged 5 to 10 (Grade 1,Grade 2,Grade 3,Grade 4,Grade 5).Great for Homeschool kids! All math results are logged and graded and we show how they are improving through real-time feedback.click hereGrade 4,Grade 5

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  23. My favorite ridiculous name: Seahorses Forever of Your Mom Roller Derby.

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  24. After much deliberation, I ended up going with "Fruit Punch". It's cute, but vaguely threatening, and it's not something I'd be embarrassed to say in front of my grandmother. In writing, teammates usually refer to me as "FP", but at practice I'm "Punch", which I really enjoy.

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    1. Also, I super duper love your blog. :)

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