Derby Dating: Coaches and Skaters

The final installment of this series is coaches and skaters dating.  It's not an easy relationship, and you are always being scrutinized by other skaters.  When I put the call out on Facebook about derby dating coach and skater stories, I generally got messages like the one below.
  
Our coach is dating a girl on our team. The favoritism she receives is just unfreakin believable.
If I ever sat out on a drill cause I was to tired, I would get shit on, she however spends more time sitting in the corner then skating, and no one ever says a word. Because if we do, we get "punished"
Dating in derby between coaches and players, is a big no no as far as I am concerned! We are updating our bylaws and it has been requested by more then one player that a section be put in saying if a player is dating a coach, then she cannot be on the team he is coaching.  (Anonymous)


I'm sure the above couple have no idea that they are getting the look of death from other skaters; they might even feel that they are successfully keeping favoritism out of the derby part of their relationship.  Unfortunately, their league does not agree, and they are considering changing their bylaws to stop it from happening again.  People, when someone puts a bylaw into the books because of how you have behaved, then something is TERRIBLY wrong.

Fortunately, I can leave you with a working derby couple, Heavy D and Kat Diablo.  Heavy D is the coach of the Carolina Allstars and the Debutante Brawlers.  Kat Diablo is a Debutante Brawler and a Bootlegger.  Both of them joined the CRG last year and have been put in some interesting situations, such as skater and coach.  I feel like they handle themselves extremely well in public, and when they are skating, they act like coach and skater, not husband and wife.

We came into derby at two different times she (Kat) was already skating when I decided to help out. The biggest obstacle for us and I assume most couples is to not take away from each others experiences. I have to be careful to separate derby from our relationship, especially at practice. Kat is getting better at it, if there is any corrective feedback. I still struggle when asked "how did I look at practice today" or "how did I do in the bout".  Might as well ask "does this jersey make me look fat?"

In the beginning the stress of trying to get as much knowledge as fast as we could, lead to travel woes and putting our personal lives on hold. Now just focusing on CRG events and an occasional bout or two in Greensboro to support our local teams has calmed some of the stress down some. Kat and I support each other in this sport and respect each others role in derby. Of course there will always be new challenges that come up, for instance we will be announcers together for the first time on Saturday for the GSORD bout. I have a goal of not being a microphone fiend and hogging all the talking time. Wish me luck and cross your fingers we don't get all married couple in front of the crowd.   Heavy D

They've been nothing but professional in front of me!

 So, what have we learned from all of this?  Being in a coach/skater relationship seems to impossible for most couples, but I would bet most leagues have experienced at least one coach/skater relationship.  Maybe you can handle the pressure, but chances are you can't.  I know it's tempting, but it takes a special kind of couple to handle this in derby!

Derby Dating: Do or Doo Doo Part 2

 Because the topic is derby dating, I shamelessly solicited both  success stories and horror stories about dating in derby.  The following is a story from Truckstop and Star Stormer of the Columbia Quad Squad, and it is a success story!

Star and I met playing roller derby in the fall of '07. I had been playing on our fledgling league for about 3 months when Star joined. From the beginning it was pretty awesome because we really just developed a friendship built on the joint efforts and the pursuit of our own empowerment. In many ways, I feel fortunate we met through such a difficult undertaking-- gutting our hearts out trying to learn a new sport and help run a non-profit organization from it's conception wasn’t exactly spare time activity. In short, it was a lot of work, and we both wanted it really bad.

We refused to act attracted to one another for a LONG time, which amounted to about 6 months. Haha! After we accepted our condition, however, we worried about how our relationship could change the team dynamic, and what might happen if we made it official and then didn't make it.  When we finally outed ourselves our league was actually really supportive, and that was awesome! At the same time, we were very aware of misconceptions about derby girls "going" gay, so did our best to stay very level with people by keeping the bedroom out of derby.

Haha! Is being on the same team ever stressful? Well, yes, it can be stressful sometimes. Most of the time, derby stress with Star and I stems from one of us feeling like we "sucked" at practice or at a bout, and the other trying to pull the one out of her ass. It's a little easier to pull your teammate's head out of her ass if you don't have to deal with her emotions on the way home.  Being in a relationship totally messes with that.  Often, it requires a cool off period whereby the non self-depricator simply has to wait for the other to come around and say something like "I'm sorry I was a dick earlier when you were trying to make me feel better." Other than that, the only difficulty lies in that accountability of when NOT to skate. Star is stubborn and doesn't like being told she shouldn't do something. Perhaps you know a derby girl with stubborn syndrome? I know, a TOTALLY rare bird.

Star and I have almost always been on the same roster in the 4+ years we've been skating together. However, there was a period when we transferred leagues in which we were not rostered together and that was hard. I would say it was hardest BECAUSE we'd always skated together.  Star was awesome though, and I think on the whole we learned how to be more supportive of one another as partners.  Both of us know we can’t skate forever (KICK OUR BUTTS, TAKE OUR SPOTS, NEW GIRLS!).  Hopefully we can go through that process with as much grace as a veteran derby girl can muster. I know I think about it. I think about "what will happen when I can't play anymore."  Both Star and I have lost half seasons due to ACL tears/reconstructions.  I, loftily, like to think this has prepared us a little better for the disappointment of athletic realities, but there's no stopping raw emotion.  We all have our time to do this.

For me, derby is the pursuit of the most excellent thing I've ever been about. To pour so much of myself into something and my partner be as supportive as Star is, is just the most unique thing I've ever experienced. Star always says "you're stuck with me."  And I agree with that statement.  I am grateful every day of the fact that her and I are both so head over heels in love with this sport.  We never have to barter with each other over derby time vs "us" time, and this is something I know is rare.  I am lucky.

Derby Dating: Do or Doo-doo? Part I

I love writing on hot button topics, because EVERYONE has opinions on certain topics.  I've been toying with doing a derby dating blog for a while, because I have definite opinions about dating in derby, but I'm going to share the feedback I've received from other skaters and people involved in derby.  Unfortunately, this topic is TOO BIG for just one blog entry, so I will definitely be revisiting it again.  If you have feedback on this topic, please don't be shy and let me know!

All artwork can be found on my site here.

The best answer I got on the Facebook prompt I posted was from Jasper Newton "pardon my french here but I told myself when I got involved with this I was keeping my dick out of the derby."  Wow.  After I giggled for five minutes, I thought about how difficult it might be, not dating anyone in derby.  Derby is a harsh mistress by herself: she takes your time, your energy, and almost all of your damned cash!  I totally understand why people end up dating in derby; it's almost like dating at the office or workplace.  Who else in this world do you spend more time with?  Who else would understand the dedication it takes to be a derby person, male or female?  Derby makes the endorphins flow, and emotions are high and intense; of course people are going to hook up!

 
The problem with dating in derby is that your relationship is bigger than just the two of you.  Remember at Thanksgiving and your parents were arguing about something in front of the entire family?  Well derby couples, you just became mom and dad in your league.  You have an up day, and practice is fantastic!  People are smiling and relaxed around the two of you, and everyone can practically see the animated bluebirds from Snow White fluttering around your shoulders.  Unfortunately, the opposite can happen too.  The two of you have a fight at home and you bring that energy to practice.  Now nothing is good!  People are tiptoeing around the two of you and whispering that you're fighting, which probably doesn't improve either of your moods.  If you are the rare couple that can keep your drama away from your league, then we should clone you, or you should write a book!  Please remember that fairly or unfairly, your relationship can have a huge impact on the atmosphere of your team or your league.

You also have to be very careful about the appearance of favoritism, especially if one of you is a coach or a captain or a ref.  You have to work extra hard not to even show a peep of extra attention; if your partner is slacking off, are you letting him or her get away with more than the other skaters?  Trust me, the other skaters will notice.  The other skaters may feel like you're being biased anyway, even if you're not; it's part of the reason why most companies do not allow dating in the work place.  And on a personal note, please please please don't break up the night before a game!  If that happens, then I feel like your entire team should get a free pass on kicking the instigator in the shins....and the team gets to wear their skates.

Whether you end up in derby dating situation or not, you need to remember that relationships should be built on more than just your mutual love for a sport that most people stay in for less than four years.  Don't fall for each other just because you're there!  Do you still like each other when you take your skates off....and not just your pants!


To be continued!  Please find me on Facebook and let me know if you want to talk derby dating!