To all the refs I've met....before.......

Now, let me post a disclaimer on this blog post, because I love love love the zebra herd!  Refs, you guys and girls are amazing and you do great great things by giving us your time, effort and sweat equity.  You put up with the rolling eyes, the mutterings, and sometimes the outright insubordination.  I have worn your stripes and feel your pain, so please take this blog with the love and gentle humor it has, and don't get your stripey panties in a wad.  DERBY LOVES REFS!


I know that each derby league has its share of characters, but the zebra herd has its own recognizable personalities as well.  Here are some of the more prevalent ones.  Can you find your co-referees?  Can you find yourself?


#1  The Hot Refs  Oh lordy, every league has a hot ref, male or female.  They skate out and you can hear a collective "siiiiiigh" from the skaters.  Unfortunately, most of these refs know they are smokin' hot and do take advantage of it, so look...maybe not touch.

See how pretty she is? 

#2  The Vindictive Ref vs the Slacker Ref  Yeah, so these two refs aren't necessarily in the same league, but they do end up in the same bout, which is the universe's way of balancing out opposing forces.  The Vindictive Ref seems to have a bone to pick with every skater and loves having ULTIMATE POWER  (probably because they have dealt with too many Bad Psychos)!  They tend to call a lot of minors and majors with a little too much venom; but that's ok, because the Slacker Ref let's just about anything slide, including an elbow to the jaw. There is such a thing as balance in karmic forces.

Notice the drool!  Notice the hipster beard!

#3 The Fancy Pants Ref  Derby is an outlet for people to express themselves, and these refs are the kings and queens of that!  Fancy Pants refs have been seen wearing Derbyskinz, really crazy leggings, bustiers, mohawks on their helmets, and face paint.  Unique doesn't describe some of you zebras!

What will they be wearing next?

#4  Refs with Cameras on Their Heads  These are the refs of mystery, technology and possibly MEN IN BLACK!  There always seems to be at least one ref a with a camera on his or her helmet; it is interesting to speculate about what happens to this footage.  Is it only seen by other refs?  Is it watchable at all?

Big Brother is Watching!

#5 Refs with Inlines   All refs on skates are welcomed; that is the fact and the rule, but derby is a quad sport, so derby girls worship the quad skate. 

Still...skating is skating.

#6  Really Awesome Skater Ref  Grr!  These refs are jam skating during time outs, mohawk with ease, and backwards skate like nobody's business.  We are envious of you!

Teach us to jam skate too.

#7 Significant Other Refs  Ah, derby girls are great at recruiting; they will even bring in their boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, and life partners to join and help out with derby.  Yea for refs! Unfortunately, this can cause issues, especially if a Significant Other Ref and a skater bring personal issues onto the track.  For the most part, the Significant Other ref is blessing, and derby girls are happy to have you there!

We know you came for your significant other.  We hope you stay for the love of the sport!

#8 The Best Ref  Every league has a predominance of awesome refs; they show up to practice, keep the skaters calm, make incredibly difficult calls, and help us interpret the many rule revisions.  Thank you for your continued dedication!  We love our refs!

PS.  Funny side note; when I started drawing these cartoons, I was drawing people, but I felt like some of the people were WAY too recognizable, so I turned them into zebras.  I like how it turned out.

Do you know these people?

This blog has been inspired by Flat Track Voodoo's Derby Spirit Animals.  Check out the rest of the comics on this site, they make me giggle each and every time.  If you want access to any images below, let me know.  They're all my artwork and original. If you're interested in seeing more of my work, please check out my website.  My Site

After three years of meeting new people in derby, I've discovered that every league has certain recurring characters in it; here is a run down of the ten most popular and interesting characters I've met during my derby career; do you know these people?   Can you recognize yourself in them?

#1  The Love Bug  The Love Bug loves everyone and is the most positive person you will ever meet in derby; she surrounds herself with unicorns, smiles, hugs and actually farts rainbows.  Don't underestimate the Love Bug, she will lay you out on the track, but she will smile down at you and offer you a glitter sticker after the game.

She'll hug you and make you breakfast in the morning....

#2  The Walking Rule Book  The Walking Rule Book has studied the rules so much that she is the one that everyone in her league consults when there is a wonky call on the ref's part.  This girl can quote numbers of rules!  Really?

Yes, she's based on a real person in my league.

#3  The Fun Psycho  The Fun Psycho has crazy catch phrases, never stops trying, and will never let the hopeless odds of any given game get her down.  She will lead the charge every time!  I love the Fun Psychos I meet in every league.  They'd take on Gotham with five girls and only four pairs of skates.

Actually quote from a fun psycho.

#4 The Bad Psycho No league in the world wants the Bad Psycho; she might punch someone out on the other team, or throw a helmet at the refs.  She is not someone you want representing your league in public or private.

Not a fun character.  Hopefully, as derby progresses, we see fewer Bad Psychos.

#5  The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing  The Wolf tends to appear to be a goof-ball that seems like a weak player, until that first whistle blows.  I also refer to this player as the Stealth Ninja.  Don't get lulled into false security with the Stealth Ninja.

She's tricksy...keep an eye on her.

#6  The Brainiac  The Brainiac is playing derby on a different level completely; she can see complex strategies ten steps ahead, and has the vocabulary of a Samuel Beckett play.  Unfortunately, she might communicate on level that most other skaters can't understand.  Still, if you can fathom her vocabulary and reasoning, she will elevate your game.

Her catch-phrase is "They're being willfully ignorant!"

#7  The Scary Girl  She's the polar opposite of the Love Bug, but she's a great asset on the team, even though you're never sure if she's thinking about stomping you or not.  Let's just put it this way, I'd rather have the Scary Girl on my team than against me.

Great skater...just completely unapproachable.

#8  Fall Apart Bunny  Fall Apart Bunny comes in three flavors, Injury Fall Apart Bunny, Emotionally Devastated Fall Apart Bunny, and Sickly Fall Apart Bunny.  Once again, she's a good skater, but you can never be sure she'll be able to skate.

What will her injury be today?

#9 Old Skool  Gotta love the Old Skool skater; she remembers when you could clockwise block, cut the track, and give the other team the finger.  She's playing by the new rules, but wishes that the older game would come back, just for a little while.  If you don't want to hear about the good ol' days, avoid her at after parties.

Or buy her a drink and enjoy the stories.

#10  The Troublemaker (AKA Loki)  The Troublemaker is the life of the party and the league, but sometimes hanging out with her is like riding a roller coaster without any brakes!  When will she go too far?  Who knows?

Please hold on to the bar!

What's that smell? Oh wait, it's me.

We've all done it, come home from a brutal practice, and left our sweaty gear in our bags, possibly in the car.  "I'll air my gear tomorrow when I have more time" is usually what most of us are thinking; then it turns into "I'll air my gear when I get home from work."  Eventually, we have procrastinated so much that we end up not opening our gear bags until we go to practice again.  Surprise!  Now our gear reeks and possibly is still wet!  Yea!  Doesn't that sound appealing and healthy?

Yes, you.  You stink.

Well, it's actually really bad for you to skate in wet gear, and your teammates don't love smelling your reek either.  We all understand that there is always going to be a certain level of derby pad stink when we're playing, but sometimes stink crosses the line to awful stench, and that's not healthy for anyone.  Our league has a Stinky Pad award we give out at the end of the year, but in all seriousness, it's not an ideal situation for us to be skating around in wet, stinking gear.

First of all, wet gear is a breeding ground for mold and fungal infections; putting wet gear on your skin every other day is most likely going to cause irritation or a possible infection, such as ring worm, impetigo,  or even MRSA.  Gross.  The BEST thing you can do to keep your pads from getting disgusting is dry them out when you get home from practice.  I actually have a drying rack that is specifically set up and used for drying derby gear.  Opening all of the velcro and hanging each pad so it's as open to airflow as possible is the best way you can dry your gear.  Some people dry their gear in the sun, but this can age the elastic parts of your pads, so I wouldn't recommend it on a regular basis.  By the way, when was the last time you really opened your bag and let it air out?  Yeah, you might want to do that too.  Bags can harbor the same reeks that lurk in your pads.

What if you're playing in a tournament situation and can't dry your pads overnight?  Well,  I learned from the Texas Rollergirls that wearing something on your arms to block direct contact with your wet pads can make your situation more comfortable.  I tend to take a long sock and cut the foot off and wear them like gauntlets.  That way my wet pads don't rub on my skin; also, if I wear the gauntlets the first time, they're the ones that tend to get wet, and my pads stay dryer.  Win win!  Plus...cool gauntlets!

Ok, you dried your gear every time you've used it, but it still reeks; some people have strong body odor, and that can change with what you eat and drink on a daily basis. Your final option is washing your pads; I realize that washing gear can be trying on people.  Velcro opens and catches in the washing machine, and washing your gear can start to degrade the elastic parts as well, but sometimes it's a necessary evil.  I try to minimize my washing of pads to once a month, and then I use warm wash, gentle cycle and Tide Sports Brand detergent.  It tends to cut through the residual derby stink that remains in pads, even after a good washing.  According to some hockey moms who blog incessantly on this subject, Gear Wash works really well at removing odors and creepy crawlies.  I have sensitive skin in general, so I try to stay away from detergents that I haven't used in the past, but it might work for you.

Aurora Thunder has a great home made detergent that's she's willing to share with us.
Homemade Laundry Detergent (Super easy!)
Most ingredients can be found in the laundry aisle of any chain store.

2 C of fels naptha, zote, or other bar soap
1 C of Borax
1 C of Washing Soda (not baking soda)

You can also add a few drops of essential oils if you like. Tea Tree Oil is recommended for its antibacterial properties.

Grate the bar soap and mix all ingredients together. Store in an airtight plastic container. Use 2-3 teaspoons for a full load of laundry (I use the full 3 tsps for derby pads). This is a low sudsing formula so it's safe for front loading and HE machines.

On the sensitive skin note, I am not a fan of constantly spraying gear with Febreeze and other sprays; I do worry that my skin will have a reaction one of these days, so I avoid it as much as possible.  To help deodorize my gear on a day to day basis, I throw a dryer sheet in the bottom of my bag or use "sneaker deodorizer balls" in my skate bag.  (Thanks to Percy Q-tion for the tip!)  Neither of these items comes into direct contact with the interior of my pads, but it does cut the smell back a bit.  I haven't won that Stinky Pad award yet, and I hope I can keep avoiding it by maintaining my gear.

Stinky Pads award...not it!

If you have any suggestions for staying cleaner in your gear, please share!  Make derby a less stinky place for all of us!

Blocker love: Blocker hate

As promised, I gave the blockers a chance to respond to what really annoys them about jammer behavior on the track, and I was pleasantly surprised to see the list be so small.  Even though it is a much thinner list, most of the suggestions have a common theme to them, so they seem to be universal complaints!  So, let's all hunker down and try to solve some of these issues.


#1 Take the hole  That sounds filthy, but it's about your blockers trying to open up holes for their jammers. Blockers are trying to do two jobs at one time, and they are hustling!  They have to stop the opposing jammer and get their own jammers through the pack, and manage not to get blindsided by another blocker.  If your blocker is working for you and she opens up the inside line, do not hesitate!  Skate skate skate!

She works hard for her jammer!  All photos by A Boy Named Tsunami

#2 Don't just wait  Blockers are ok if you get a little pushy with them; blockers by nature don't have personal space issues the way jammers do, so if you need them to get out of your way or block a particularly persistent blocker, give them a little shove.  Do be mindful though that sometimes the blocker you're about to move might just have the other jammer locked down; to quote Rigor Morticia "do not yank me off booty blocking the other jammer just to get a little more speed...me keeping the other jammer sucked in the pack is getting you your 15-0 jam, sis."  Remember, sometimes the blockers' other job is destroying that other jammer.

Working hard to keep that jammer from messing up your grand slam.

#3 Pick the right side  Most blockers, when doing offensive blocking, will try to indicate to their jammers which side they are pushing the other blocker to.  It's safer for a jammer to try to pass a pair of blockers locked in mortal battle by passing on the side of their blocker.  This usually means that if your blocker is on the outside, you pass on the outside so she can contain that other blocker and keep her away from you!  Sometimes jammers get tunnel vision and they don't see the "set up" their blockers are giving them. 


#4  Don't give up control too quickly  I see this one a lot; sometimes jammers call the jam too quickly.  Either they lose track of the other jammer, or they're just so happy to be able to call the jam, they do it.  Watch your bench coaches; they should be the ones telling you whether to keep going or to call it  Trust that they understand the bigger picture, and look to them for guidance.  If your team has a comfortable league and a blocker in the box, you not calling the jam until the other jammer is about to score may eat up some of that penalty time.  Conversely, if you're not paying attention to the bench coaches and you SHOULD be calling the jam and you're not, that is just as bad.


#5  Don't give up  This is a big one, and I know how it is to be a jammer who is struggling either because she's just exhausted from running through the pack a million times (perfect scenario) or she's stuck in the pack behind a Cthulu-like blocker.  It takes the wind out of all of your blockers to give up; I will throw my body in front of a million blockers for a jammer who is digging in and trying with all of her might, but if she starts giving up, it kills the morale of the pack. 

#6  Thank your blockers  No blockers wrote this on my post of Facebook, but I really do think that jammers should always thank the blocking paths.  If I am lucky enough to have a couple of grand slams on a jammer run, I ALWAYS thank my blocking pack, because they gave me the room to do my job.   

I'm lead?  Sweet!  Thank you blockers!

#7  Stay out of the box  Nuff said on that one.

#8 Jammers, you can hit too  Jammers, make that opposing jammer regret the rule that you can engage her anywhere on the track.

Once again, we're all in this together.  Jammers aren't infallible; they aren't cyborgs.  Nobody expects anybody to be perfect, but we should all strive to be a better and play a more productive game.

Thank you for your input!
Riva Derci
Holly Gohardly
Busty Rhymes
Poisonberry Shortcake
Magikly D'Vicious
KGBebe
Aurora Thunder
Kat A. Killzem
Feelin' Froggy
Lisa Cherry

You have a problem: derby hoarding

Who hasn't seen that train wreck of a show called Hoarders?  Let me sum it up for you; people have too much crap and too many issues!  Are we all just one step away from being hoarders ourselves?  Well, I'm here to tell you that a lot of derby girls are hoarders and it is time to fess up to it!

Actually, you did on Facebook.  Socks win!  Spiffy graph brought to you by Hawaiian Donkey Punch

Now, let's define hoarding.  When I have a collection of old, worn out wheels that I hold onto for no reason, it's because I'm thrifty!  When you do it, you have a problem!  I'm kidding, but only a little.   Right now in my derby box, I have thirty two wheels that are no longer bout or practice able.  Why the heck am I keeping them???  I know that I have some vague idea that I could use them for outdoor skating, but do I need thirty two wheels for that?  The answer is a definitive NO.  I should throw out or recycle the other twenty four, and yet they're still sitting in my box. Do I really think I'm going to have a catastrophic wheel crises where I would need 32 extra wheels?  No.  I know I'm not the only one who has this problem; my good friend Beth Row carries a huge and heavy box around with her crammed with wheels for every occasion.  When we get to the bout, she decides what she wants to wear and then she has to dig through a bunch of wheels to find the ones in the best condition.

Look at the dust on some of them...oops.

Let's see what else I have in my box; ok, I have a ton of bearings that I actually use when I swap out wheels, or need to replace a bearing or clean my other set, so that doesn't count.  Hmmm.  I have three old toe stops; I know I should keep two of them for outdoor skating as well, but what would happen if one of them broke too?  This is the kind of thinking that let's me keep trash!

Every time I upgrade my pads, I tend to hold onto them; I kept my original Protec knee pads for almost four years until two weeks ago when I decided I had enough clutter in my house, and I finally pitched them.  Yea me!  Unfortunately, I still have my 187s hanging around for no purpose.  It's nice that I have two and a half pairs of wrist guards piled in the corner of my spare room, but why do I need so many? I don't even want to get into how many handkerchiefs I have or stockings that only have a few rips in them!

I have a serious problem.

So, how can we fix our hoarding issues?  Honestly, I think hoarding can be helped by turning it into sharing.  Every league has a crop of newbies who come to us with nothing; some of them will skate with the crappiest of wheels and bearings, or terrible protective gear. I'm sure that someone somewhere gave you or let you "borrow indefinitely" pads or wheels or a shirt or something.  It's time to pay it forward: organize a newbie gear party, and have your vets bring in their extra crap that might still be useable.  Think about how much happier you'll be with getting rid of stuff you aren't using, and giving it to someone who will appreciate it.  (Please don't share mouth guards.)  If you don't want to give away all of your cool derby shirts,  MC Fyte suggests you can turn them into a really cool quilt.  Think about how awesome that would be for someone to do for a retiring derby sister?  If I could sew, I would totally attempt that!

If you have suggestions on recycling our hoarded gear, please share!  Stop the madness!

Jammer love: Jammer Hate

I personally consider myself to be a blocker who occasionally jams when my team needs me to take a shift, so I'm in a pretty good position (ha) to tell you that although jammers love love love their blocking packs, there are some things we blockers end up doing to make our jammers' lives a little less than idyllic.  Here are some of Facebook's top picks.

#1  Pack is running too fast.  Well, when your jammer has lead, why are you letting your pack get faster?  It's such a instinct to keep moving forward, and we all do it, but we need to learn to take control of the pack and slooooooooow it down.  Remember, what we as blockers think is slow, is not the same as what your jammer wants as slow! 

#2 Blocking your own jammer.   Oops.  Ha ha, I've done this; it tends to happen to me more when I'm at an invitational, or during practice when we've split up randomly for scrimmage in practice.  Sometimes I forget who my jammer is.  Yes jammers, sometimes we blockers get distracted by shiny shiny things on the track and don't pay attention.  Sometimes I am concentrating on holding the line so hard that I don't realize my jammer is trying to shove me out of the way. The best thing you can do as a blocker is be aware of where your jammer is, but if you still end up blocking her, workout some kind of code between yourselves that she can shout in your ear to make you move your butt!  Quadzilla suggests you yell "friendly!" but Beth Row and I tend to just start yelling "it's me it's me...meeeeeeeeeee!" in a rising, desperate tone.  And to be fair, this same exact thing has happened to me when I have jammed, and I have ended up literally throwing my blocker off of the line.  This too is an awesome option.

#3 Letting the other team recycle.  I know for a fact that you feel like a rockstar as a jammer when you think you've cleared the pack, and then WHAMO!  One or two or three opposing blockers run to the front of the pack and suck the jammer back in.  To stop this from happening, we really need to strive to keep our jammer from having to work twice as hard; keep those blockers from recycling!  You can almost see blockers sort of relax and let people slip out of booty blocks.  You're never off duty as a blocker!

Really?  Where did you two come from?  Photo by A Boy Named Tsunami

#4  Inappropriate jammer assists.   Timing is everything.  There is a three person wall in front of your jammer, and you decide to whip her or push her to give her some speed. AGH!   I cringe when I see someone give a jammer an inappropriate assist.  I know we want to help, but getting your jammer sent to the box for a major back block is not helping!  Learning to give an appropriate whip takes experience and practice, and your jammer will appreciate a well timed butt push.  Conversely, jammers, you'd better be aware when your blocker is working her proverbial butt off to block in someone and give you a whip!  Nothing makes blockers grumpier than when a jammer ignores help.

Appropriate jammer help.  Photo by A Boy Named Tsunami

#5  Don't be a point.  Blockers, how many times have you been in this situation?  Your jammer has a quarter of a lap lead on the other jammer, and she MIGHT get a point or two before she has to call it, but there are two of her own blockers in the back of the pack, just skating.  Have either of those blockers been you?  It is really disheartening for a jammer who is hoping to get one or two points has to call it prematurely.  Don't dawdle at the back at the pack!


To be fair jammers, blockers are trying to help you to the best of our abilities.  Sometimes we do a great job, and sometimes we blow it, but remember ladies, these girls repeatedly throw their bodies in front of some mean beasts just for you!  Don't forget to thank your pack each and every time you are out there.  Have faith in your pack because they definitely have faith in you.


Yes blockers, you will get your chance to share your pet peeves too. 


Thanks for contributing!
Magikly D'Vicious
Beth Row
Busty Rhymes
Molly Flogger
Summer SkoolYa
Krush Groove
Rock E Horrorshow Unit 1038

Announcer love: Professor Lou Botomy in his own words

Announcers...they can help a game or hurt your game.  Here is one of my favorites, talking about how he got involved in derby: he's loud, he's proud, he's PROFESSOR LOU BOTOMY!

Photo by Bill Rhodes

Got my derby start in Feb 2006 when longtime friend Bone Crawford (Gotham) invited me to the first Dust Devil. Asked Roxy Rockett if she was a derby girl when I was getting on the plane, I was that guy. I fell in love with derby and the amazingly cool people involved. Went to every Carolina bout I could after that and was a volunteer as well doing track work. Started recognizing people at the Skate Ranch in Raleigh from Wilmington and one day at a beach bar, was asked by one of the players (Eso) if I would like to help with the Cape Fear team. Duh!!! As we worked towards our first bout, CFRG asked me if I would announce the game. I had never been an announcer or ever done any work with my voice sans playing the dj making mix tapes as a kid. Although I really wanted to be a coach, I reluctantly said yes to the announcer gig. The next trips to Raleigh I paid close attention to Rockerboy and the crew and got some tutelage from Bob Noxious. On bout day, Professor Lou Botomy escaped from inside me and we have been running amuck ever since.

A few bouts into my new life path, Bull Lee asked me to announce a game for a team named Rogue from Fayetteville. No way I could say no to that. So my travel life as a derby announcer now has its cornerstone. With teams sprouting up everywhere and very few derby announcers, it was nearly assured I get busier in the future. I said to Durga (RDD) early into year 2, " I really want to get where I am doing 30 games a year". Be careful, sometimes you get what you wish for. Nearly did that by the end of the year. One year I was juggling 14 teams. At the end of this year alone, I will have done 41 events. (41 events= 70 games announced and 5 coached) Does that mean I travel a lot? 4 events in my home town this year, you figure it out. Since that first bout, I have announced games from Long Island, NY to Florida and almost every state in between. Won't even get into the number of cities and venues. Hope to add a few more to that this year.

As a derby announcer I have a mantra, make the players look good and keep the fans as informed as needed. It is not about me. (why I don't really like being announced that much or tell people who I am while announcing) I try to say every player's name during the game if I can, although they don't hear it most of the time. They do hear their name if they are being sent to the penalty box and I mention it, and do make sure to thank me for that later. I do try to keep the fans informed while trying not to be too long winded. Run too long on any one thing and they tune you out.

I have always loved playing sports and being active. I like to play more than watch, I like to be involved. I was being scouted for a full ride to college as a soccer player when my knee was destroyed. I tried to play for a couple more years rec style but the knee just wouldn't hold up. Luckily I found surfing a few years later and is still one of my loves 23 years down the road. Knees are starting not to like that much either though. I purchased some quads not long after I got into derby. I took a bad spill one night while dreaming of starting a mens derby team and my knee did not work the next morning when I got out of bed. My quads were retired soon afterward in hopes to being able to surf for another 15 years.

When I was young, my Dad would take the family to many pro baseball games. (Dodgers, Brewers) These are great memories. A couple years after I started announcing derby, I went by the local baseball team to see if they needed an announcer and they did. Have been working with them for three years now. So every summer I get to think about our family at the ballparks when I was a kid and times were simpler. Thank you derby.

I announce the way I do because I love the game and get excited about it. Some say I go a little gonzo and that is fine with me. I get to talk about amazing athletes and work with them on a regular basis. Better yet, I get to know these same athletes personally. I get to see creative minds working at their best in and out of derby. Through derby, I have met some incredible people and become a better person myself. If you cant get excited about that, well, I just don't know...

I am very lucky to have found derby and been given a place in this wonderful community.


If you have an announcer that needs love, make a suggestion!